RTÉ’s summer schedule to raise temperatures

In an effort to boost flagging ratings, RTÉ is about to announce a new Summer schedule that is set to scintillate viewers around the country. Although the announcement was not to be released to the press until April, Mr. Slybacon, a disgruntled employee, leaked the information late last night whilst on the piss. RTÉ has come under increasing pressure due to many people switching over to watch programmes such as ‘Sex and the City’, ‘Naked in Westminster’ and the new Sky One show, ‘Tits n Ass Uncovered’. The national station has decided to launch several new sizzling programmes of its own to attract viewers. And in what is being seen as a bold decision, RTÉ is going to produce its own programmes using homegrown talent.

With the departure of Gay Byrne, Friday night is to be revamped. The new primetime slot will be taken by ‘The Gay Gay Show’. It is not yet understood whether this title is a tribute to Gaybo, or if its RTÉ’s effort to bring in the homosexual audience. One thing is certain, Aonghus MacAnally will present the show. Draw your own conclusions. Gay Byrne himself has been quoted as saying ‘You thought you’d never see the back of Uncle Gaybo, didn’t you? Hmmm? Didn’t you? You naughty, naughty audience.’

Another programme in the pipeline is ‘Naked in Dáil Eireann’. Presented by John Bowman, this programme will look at the rarely seen sexy side of Irish politics. Highlights of the series will include a peek into Mary Harney’s underwear drawer, footage of John Bruton skinny dipping, and three rounds of topless foxy boxing with Liz O’Donnell and Mary Harney. Although some senior politicians are said to be shocked at the thoughts of this explicit programme, party leaders Bruton and Harney are said to be thrilled at the prospects of greater exposure to the public.

Fair City is to be one of the major casualties in the Summer shake-up at RTÉ. It is to be replaced with a drama that is less true to life and a little more raunchy. ‘The Clap’ is to be the new primetime drama on RTÉ. It features two lovable rogues (Mick Lally and Gabriel Byrne) and their quest for cheap hookers on the streets of Dublin. Subjects broached in the programme will include oral sex, anal sex, and the price of a hand shandy down by the canal.

The spirit of Fair City will remain in the new programme however, as the cheap sets, wooden acting and ugly actresses are to be retained. You can catch ‘The Clap’ in your living rooms from June 1st and the programmers in Montrose promise it will keep you on the edge of your seat.